Pampered Chef, halloween and my thoughts of Ethan....

I'm not much of a believer and celebrator of Halloween but watching people get dressed for this pagan holiday is fun. When others were putting on their make-up or trying to find a last minute costume, I was having a pampered chef party with my dearest and closest friends and family. Taco bar, nachos, lemon drop martinis and loaded potato chowder. Amazing!

As a Filipino-American, I stay with tradition as most Filipinos would. You load up on the food and whatever is leftover, you give away, it's always better to have more food than not. They say it's bad luck to run out of food at a party. Did you ever come to realize though that as much food as you prepare and put out, and as much people show up to your party, the food seems to stretch even further when you thought there wasn't enough? By the time the party is over, you maybe have a few more bites left of a few items that can either be refridgerated or given away. That's always a blessing in disguise.

I thought of how cute Ethan would have looked in a little costume today. Just for kicks. I would have put him in a Charlie Brown, Snoopy or Woodstock outfit. I probably wouldn't have taken it off. He would have been so cute.

Some may say that it's not healthy for me to dwell on the would have beens but this is what is happening to me right now. This is what I am feeling at this very moment. I'm not going to shut it off because of some psychological technicality. Screw that. Some may have forgetten that I am still mourning because I always put up a brave front. I'm moving on, at my own pace. I'm owning up to my pain, I'm in therapy. It's sad that there are some that have swept this painful tragedy under the rug. Let's not deal with it and pretend it didn't happen. It will go away eventually. Let's keep it in and not discuss it. Therapy people, therapy! It's a healthy way to deal with lifes painful issues.

We miss our son, we miss our life that we could have had with him. Forever we are his parents that will miss him, infinity times infinity.

Icing on the cake!

Old man comes to counter, it's 340pm. Slams his paper on the counter and tells me that his wife isn't here. I look at him knowing that the words coming out of his mouth is going to be, this is your airlines fault. He says his wife didn't make the flight out of PHX. I tell him that it's possible that her flight got into PHX a little late where she missed her connection. I look at her reservation and it's true, her flight came into their gate 25 minutes before our PHX to SBP flight was scheduled to push out of the gate. Mind you, 25 minutes is still considered a legal connection. Man is upset, that it's was our airlines fault that she didn't make it on her flight. I tell him, my airline is the express carrier. The ones at fault here is the mainline carrier. He demands a free ticket. On what grounds? That his wife was late he says. I tell him no, I'm not authorized to give you a free ticket because your wife's flight was late getting into PHX. I told him that if he wanted a free ticket, his wife can ask US Airways in PHX for a free ticket, mostly likely, they won't give her one. I told him that it wasn't my fault that his wife's flight was late. I've been here in CA since 5a and don't have time to go to Charlotte, NC to cause a delay on his wife's flight so that she will be late getting into PHX.

Really? Yes, really. This is what I and my co-workers go through on a daily basis. These kind of people are the ones that keep making my job interesting. They have no idea that they are the laughs of our parties. This one is for the books. The fact that Ryan had to deal with him as well is just more funnier than what I went through. He gave me an attitude, I dished it back. If you can't travel as a flying passenger, maybe you should take the train, a car, bus, a hover-round. Once again, not acceptable!

These are the rules.......these are your options......

8 years ago, September 11 was a tragic day. September 12, heighten in security started. Airlines, FAA required passengers traveling to get to airports all over the world early because of new security measures. These security measures we adhere to everyday, i'm not an exception and passengers are not an exception either.

90 minutes before departure, that's when passengers are suppose to be at an airport. That's for domestic travel. When you are traveling from an internation airport, 3 hours before departure. Earlier the better. Check-in closes 30 minutes prior to departure. Boarding starts right at 30 to 25 minutes to departure time. We have rules, we follow them. If you don't want to miss your flight, show up on time, all the time. That's all. We may have a small airport but we have big rules. There are at times exceptions to the rules but they don't come frequently.

You didn't know where to park your rental car, you walk a little slow with a cane and a dog in tow, you show up right after check-in is closed, you aren't getting on the flight. Not my fault that you didn't know where to park the car or the fact that you can't move fast enough. Should've started out early. If I can be here on time, maybe you should too.

Lady is talking to me near security, I have boarding passes to count, make sure that everyone and everything is secured and ready to go, give out counts to ramp agents at the plane and this lady is wondering if I will make an exception to let her on. It's 06:15am. Boarding doors close 10 minutes prior to departure. She pleads. She has a carry on, I say no. There are 2 other people that miss their flight and they are both bellyaching about why they can't get on the flight. You're late, that's why you aren't getting on the flight.

Gave lady with the dog options of how to get to final destination. Talks to another agent, agent tells her the same thing. Poor dog, so cute. I would have let the dog go without her. Anyways, if you are late for a flight, don't fight anymore. Get to an airport early that's all there is to it. I can be a compassionate person but if you know it's your fault that you are late, don't expect me to feel bad for you.

I feel sorry those people........

Parents that send their children to colleges so well known but their kids are a bunch of dumbshits when they come to an airport. Come on now! There is a reason why airline employees, TSA, ask passengers to go through security when you are told to.

1. The line gets too long, you might miss your flight!
2. The flight will start boarding and if you aren't there, you might not get on your flight!
3. When you miss your flight, you get mad at us as if it was our fault, not acceptable!

This is not meant to be funny. It's reality! It's life. If you can't follow the rules, you got some issues.

Welcome to my day!

Really now people. What is going on with this day? I get back to work and for some odd reason, some people must have had a cup of stupid and no common sense today. I take that back, this happens everyday but for some odd reason, today is most significant.

I get to the counter @ 945am. A man is standing right in the middle of the terminal where American Eagle use to be. He scoots himself over in the middle of my counter and ask me, "Are you the check-in lady?" I look @ him with a blank stare and ask him what airline is he flying on. He says US Airways. I look @ him and say yes. What I really wanted to say was, "Yes I am your check-in lady, are you our passenger man? (josh suggested it) Really people?

Random stuff that have happen today.

1. someone comes to the counter and ask me if I speak spanish. I said no. He says too bad and walks out toward the wrong door almost knocking himself out because someone walks through the door marked ENTER.
2. passenger enters to the counter where it says EXIT ONLY! wow!

Until the next blog........watch out for that cup of stupid, it's coming to a cafe near you!

It's 7:07pm and I'm still here at work. Dust storm in Phoenix has caused most flight to have delays. I won't have to be here till 11am tomorrow morning at least. I ready for those darn Lemon Drop Martinis.........Saturday, can't you come any sooner?!

A day of insanity......

I get up @ 330am, get ready for the morning and stop to pick up breakfast hoping that my day is going to be swell. I clock in on time, Josh and I are ready to go and like clock work, everything works out, all passengers are checked in, bags are ready to load. I pre-board, then I get a call from Garrett. Stop boarding because we have a maintenance issue. Ok. Then, I have a passenger who checks in online, goes through security late and has an oversize carryon. Are you for real? I ripped him a new one and tell him his bag is being checked to his final destination. Don't touch your bag. Seriously people. You don't want to encounter me on a flight that is not only delayed because of maintenance, but to bring an oversize carryon. Go home people! Garrett comes up takes the bag. I make an announcement that boarding is delayed due to this maintenance issue. Passengers are quiet because this other passenger just pissed me off so they are pretty mellow at this point. Time? 06:15am. I do what I do, rebook passengers. It's the part of my job that I hate because I know it's inconviniencing people. We send passengers to Monterey, Santa Barbara and the farthest was San Jose just so that they can make it to their final destinations. Some people have called customer service and rebooked themselves on different airline carriers. We've offered some passengers brunch @ the local restaurant. Except for one passenger whose friend was yelling @ her to get to Newark, NJ (passenger hands her cellphone to my co-worker Josh, starts yelling @ him, he tells friend that she needs to stop yelling, put the phone down for a few minutes and gets back on the phone and ask her, are you done yelling yet? he explains what is going on and everything is fine.) Yes, this is what we deal with everyday. The special people.



I go downstairs to check up on what is going on. Tired of standing at the balcony with all these eyes on me waiting for me to get word from my radio that we are clear to board. I talk to the flight attendants, talk to my co-workers. Then the bad news. We couldn't leave because the plane is broken. I go back up stairs, Josh and Nicole are heading up to help rebook. All the passengers on board are deplaned and headed back through security. We are talking about 86 people here with destinations that range from Phoenix to Cancun, one man was going to London, Ontario, Canada. I didn't know that place even existed. Thinking that his flight may cancel, we think ahead and start rebooking out of different airports. I'm stuck @ the gate, with about 15 to 20 people looking me and probably saying I'm next. I started going down a list but when the ticket counter opened, most people went out of security. It was a long drawn out 4 hours of rebooking. Josh and I are drinking Monster energy drinks for some added boost and by the time I got there, Josh was on his second one. Our breakfast is in the breakroom. No one has touched it. Rebooking passengers, retagging bags, 2 planes on the ground and 5-6 people working this show with about 110 passengers needing to still get to a destination. Why hasn't this been recorded yet. No, not like Airline, or whatever that show was. Just raw video footage of employees in action like this. This doesn't happen everyday. I hope I didn't jinx this one. It's the story of our life @ the airport. There are probably more extreme stories that have been told. To all of US, at the end of the day, we laugh about it. It's stored in the memory and revisted when we start talking about random airline chargin.

Days gone by...

Days go by in ones life and events can be forthcoming. Sometimes you expect them, sometimes you don't. When things happen unexpectedly, one tends to wonder. What happened? Things were great and then they are not. People don't realize that one is effected, there are others that are effected too.

I'm sad, i'm angry. How can this be happening? I lost my son. Now, I'm losing them? I feel a little abandoned. Things may never be the same again, some may not come back again. All I can do is live my best life and in order for me to do this, I need to have my job in order to have a life.

Just One More Day.

Probably about 30 minutes ago I passed the cemetary and saw that there was a funeral happening and there was quite a few people and the cemetary was packed with a lot of cars and from a distance I can see the casket and the family and how many people have come to pay their respects and say their goodbyes. And so I came to the cemetary to see Ethan or to visit him at least and realized that I have not cried for him for a little while. And, I see all of these children lined up in a row and I feel terrible, just terrible, for what I and all the other parents have lost, and how I feel so badly for these children gone so soon, that, some didn't even get a chance to see another day. Ethan's gravesite has fall colored flowers that Wendy from TSA was so nice to get for us, she had given us a $20 gift card to Michael's because she knew about the story about someone taking Ethan's flower pot and light that was here. Till this day I'm still mad about that and have yet to call the cemetary about it.

I'm torn, so very torn, about my loss. I miss him so very much. I wish he was here, because I know my life would be so different. Tomorrow is October 10, it's been 4 months since he's been gone, but everytime I think about him, it feels like I just had him, yesterday. It's amazing how I've been able to move on the way that I have. Going to work, having a life, spending time with my friends, doing the things that I love to do, but everyday, I hurt. Everyday, I ache for him.

There is this song, pretty old school. It's called One More Day. Although this song is based on a love story, the words can have different meaning but one more day, just one more day, to enjoy the love, happiness that one person can bring you, from the day that Ethan passed, all I keep thinking is that there was one more day, one more day to spend with my son, one more day where I can love him a little more, just one more day.

6th day on the job....

The work week has been long and draining. All I want to do is go home and be with Aaron and the boys. I have the next 2 days off so I'm really looking forward to that. Cramps and the general womanhood issues are going to keep me home this weekend. I had plans to go and see a roller derby bout in Paso with friends but I'm tired, in pain and all I want to do is lay down.

I've seen myself short with people lately. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's the events of this past week that has just got me all up in a tizzy. Finding out that some people have lied to me about certain things has made me angry and bitter. Although there isn't really much I can do about it now, I still harbor some of these ill feelings because it's just not right. I posted a new comment on my status wall on Facebook. For some reason, my friends feel the same way. It says, "People need to own up to the mistakes that they make in life and stop finding words of wisdom to cover it up!" It's true, right? We all make decisions that we deem are the right decisions at that moment in time. In the long run, decisions that were made eventually work out or they don't. Whether they work out or don't, we make those decisions. We are at fault for everything that we do whether good or bad. There isn't a way around it all. Life is what we make of it. The feeling of freedom is essential in our life. Admitting to fault is freeing. If we can be true to ourselves, that's all that matters. It's what makes us a better human race.

My weekend starts @ 1pm after our afternoon flight. I'm going home to my hubby and boys, possibly stay home today and tomorrow and Monday and relax and start a new schedule on Tuesday. Stopping by @ the cemetary on Sunday and bringing my lil superhero some pretty flowers. I've missed him so much!

Raila turns 18......

"She is the apple of her parent's eye, from infancy to adulthood, she has always made her family proud. Active in the choir and other duties in the church, she has always put God above all others. She is a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a loyal friend, a great listener, hard working student pursing her degree in Nursing. Today, on her 18th birthday, she is a princess. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome our debutante, Ms. Raila Ventura."..............(Marci Gerber)

That was my introduction for a very special lady in my life. Raila celebrated her 18th birthday party @ the Santa Maria Inn. To Filipinos, it's a debut, to the rich and famous, it's a cotillion, in the south, it's a debutante ball. It's a coming out party. I've known her before she was even thought of. Our families friendship has spanned @ least 28 years. We've always been there for each other, through thick and thin. No matter where life has taken us, no matter how busy we have become, we've always remained close in our own special way.

Raila Lisa Ventura was born on September 26, 1991 @ 10:30am, weighing 9.5 lbs. Along with my mother, we were her first visitors. She was a beautiful child. Every where she went, she always got someones attention. Raila smiled, all the time. She had her moments of fussiness but they were tolerable. Barney was her favorite. Till this day, I can not stand that dinosaur. Raila is a very bright and talented girl. Playing the piano is one of her favorite things to do.

Raila's celebration was an incredible one. She wore this blue gown that brought out some much more beauty, she was a princess. If that dress was yellow, she could have been Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Her court was dressed in these beautiful powder blue cocktail dresses while the guys donned on a powder blue vest and tie. I, on the other hand wore a black cocktail dress. It's been about 5 years since I wore heels. Raila got me to wear heels @ her party. Amazing! The program for this event was stellar. Maxwell Corpuz sang his rendition of Moonlight Serenade, Amy Cardenas sang The Journey, her twin daughters sang Miley Cyrus's The Climb, Arlene Febre sang a personal request from Raila. Roger, Raila's father serenaded her with his own personal rendition of RailaLisa (Monalisa). There was not a dry eye in the house. You can see most of the guest wiping their faces try to regain composure. Raila cried. That was hard to hold back tears when your father is serenading you.

I was given the honor to emcee the event yesterday. 18 years in the making. I was nervous. To me, it was a dream come true. I was in front of 160 guest, most, who have known me since birth, this should have been a piece of cake. NO it wasn't. There was only 2 rehearsals. 2 weeks before and the night before the event. I had questionnaires for the court, some I had to wing on a whim, added things as I went along, and the knots in my stomach kept churning that I didn't really get to finish my lunch. I promised Raila and her parents that this wasn't going to be a boring sleepy party. There are some parties that drag on forever. I'm all for change, all for fun and laughs, and that, we had. The party was to start about 1130a.m. Guest started arriving about 1120a.m. so I really didn't get started with every till about 1145a.m. From beginning to end, we had about 20 minutes to spare. We were done on schedule.

To Raila, Christian, EJ, Sonny, Kenneth, Scott, Elvis, Melinda, Roxanne, Mary Allen, Sherie, Michelle, Hyra, Veronica, Karen, Sarah and Rachel, thank you! It was great spending time with all of you yesterday.

Raila, thanks for letting me have my Ryan Seacrest/Nick Cannon moment. It's been the most fun thing since turning 40. Knowing you for 18 years has been an adventure. See you in New York this Winter......I love you!

My friend........Elaine

Elaine Yin is my doctor. She was recommended by well known doctors in San Luis Obispo. When they ask me who was I planning on seeing, I said Elaine Yin. They said excellent choice, no need to look any further. Elaine was an excellent choice. Not only did I get a great doctor to take care of me and Ethan, I also gained a friendship that will last forever. I saw her every week or two weeks during my pregnancy. My blood pressure and type 2 kept me going in to see her. She monitored me closely.

Elaine was my OB surgeon for Ethan's birth. I wouldn't have had it any other way. She knew that too. I told her that I wasn't going to have Ethan without her unless it was crucial that he come out sooner. She was there. Elaine is a busy lady. She is one of the best in her field. When other care takers have chucked the bedside manner out the window, her and her office staff remain professional with such a caring manner, genuinely caring for patients everyday.

When Ethan was born, even on the sidelines she checked on him all the time. She said that he was feisty like his mommy. He sure was. He's Asian American. Of course he would be feisty.

I couldn't be more thankful for Dr. Elaine Yin. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Through all the experiences, she, has helped me, go on. Not at full pace, at my own pace. It's been a traumatic year for so many. We can only hope that 2010 will bring us a much more brighter year to look forward to.

From the bottom of our hearts, thanks Elaine and the ladies @ Central Coast OB-GYN for everything!

Ice coffee and sourdough toast......

I sit here @ the front counters with Josh and now he is going to leave and get food as he watches me type this blog, he says he's looking good. I second that. I think of Ethan and hold back my tears and save it for therapy later. The sun is out brightly shining through the terminal and life is just fine. For some reason, I'm sad, all of a sudden I have this ache for him. It's come across my mind that I shouldn't be here right now, that I should be home taking care of him. But I'm not. I'm working again like I did before, non-stop, taking extra shifts here and there, planning get-togethers with co-workers and friends. Life isn't the same because someone is missing and it's Ethan. My work life can never be the same because I miss him every second of every minute that I'm here @ work. At times, being @ work brings a comfort because I feel and think of him more here. I could be missing him so much because I am sitting on the stool that he and I shared when I carried him, using the same computer. It's flooding my memory bank with my time spent with him.

It finally happened.......

I fell apart @ work for the first time. It was festering inside of me and I broke down today after my flight this morning. It really hasn't been an easy transition although everyone says I look great. Great in the outside maybe but a mess in the inside. I'm grateful that Rachael and Josh were there to be that supportive and let me cry when I needed to. It's just really sad when some people can be so insensitive to how someone elses feelings that they don't know that they are actually hurting someone. How can someone do something for so long and still not know what they are doing?
Today, I really missed Ethan. It was a lingering feeling that wouldn't stop. I couldn't get him out of my mind. The more I thought about him the more I wanted to burst into tears. It didn't help either that we have infants and children traveling but this isn't anyone's fault. This is my deal, these are my feelings. I can't help that some people ask me about him when they don't know. That is totally different and I've expected it to happen. It's only happened twice. It shocks me @ first and it depends on the moment too, I may not answer quickly or I'm comfortable enough to tell someone. It's different when it's deliberate. It's just mean. But like what I said, some are so numb to their own feelings and surroundings that to them, it's ok.
It was the first time in months since I've seen Dr. Cedars, he is part of my OB-GYN team. Such a wonderful gracious man, I couldn't help but say thank you and give him a hug.
I'm not so sure if I'm done crying yet but right now, I'm doing ok. I really don't know when I'm going to be done crying. Likelihood never! I know that life will get easier as time goes by but until then, I'm going to feel the way that I feel. I'm not out for sympathy, understanding and some compassion. That's all.

Farewell.............

Tonight, I gave my respects to someone who has spiritually enriched my life. Brother Erano G Manalo was laid to rest in the Central Office Tabernacle in Quezon, City Philippines. I never got to meet him, I never got to see him in person. All I know is, as the Executive Minister of the Iglesia Ni Cristo/Church of Christ, he loved us all. He labored and sacrificed his love and life for the members of the church. He will be deeply missed. The Philippines mourns the death of our beloved brother, streets and roads are jammed pack with people wanting to get a glimpse. I spoke to my mother a few moments ago and as much as she would have like to go, she couldn't because of all the people, the weather. It was hard to go in such difficult conditions. It was nice that we got to watch it on TV with the rest of the brethren.

I shed my tears for the ones that we lost this year. Remembering how short life is. How important people are to us and that we don't say I love you often enough. I love you!

Paalam Ka Erdy, mahal na mahal namin kayo. Sa muli nating pagkikita.

(Farewell Brother Erdy, we love you so very much.) (Until we meet again)

Official First Day!

My first official day back @ the airport and it's not as bad as I thought. I had a moment with Aaron this morning before he left for work. It was difficult to think that I was going to work not having to worry about Ethan's child care. At some point, I considered going back to work part-time, working the morning flight only so that I can get home to Ethan and Aaron can go to work. I also considered working @ night so that Aaron and I could save on child care.

After all that, I showered and changed, packed a few things for food and headed out. Got my ice coffee all set and I'm back to work. I felt like I never left. It was hard to come back and hear bad news about one of our airport friends. Thomas Caruso from TSA got into a head on motorcycle collision and had died @ the scene yesterday. I thought I was going to have a great day. It's now a somber day. Tom was a really great person. Always so friendly. I don't have a bad thing to say about Tom. I met him here @ the airport when he was working for the county as a custodian. He got a job with TSA about a year and a half ago. He was part of our morning crew, a part of our airport family. He was an amazing worker. We will all miss him.

So far, I helped downstairs with deplaning, helped Nicole board the flight and I closed the flight out @ the ticket counter. Some things that would normally bother me like passengers not tearing apart their web check-in boarding passes, carrying ons that were a little larger than allowed. I pretty much let it go. It's great to be back. I can't complain. I have a job that I love, co-workers who are my family. I may have my moments or not but I'll be ok to keep going. My life doesn't stop here. It keeps going because that is what God intended. My angel was taken because God needed him more, just like my friends and loved ones who have gone this year. God won't give us something that we can't handle. Lives end and some begin and right now, I'm starting to live again. This is what God intended my life to be and so I shall accept it.

Hanging out!

I'm here in PHX with Kevin and Josh, hanging out in the training center waiting for our flight. We just got back from terminal D and had a late lunch of nachos and Wendy's. Terminal D has the good places. Got Aaron's cookies from Paradise Bakery. He should be very happy when I get home.
Training was boring as always, I got a 90% on my test. That was purely my fault because I don't read the question completely and try to understand what it says. I just answer away. I passed is what matters. Josh the brainiac got a 100%.
Yesterday was a long day for my first day back to work. I had my alarm set @ 3:55a.m. and 4:00a.m. Turned both of them off and got up @ 5a.m. I got ready and headed to the airport. I got to SBP @ 5:40a.m., gave hugs to my co-workers I haven't seen in so long and headed for security. Got to PHX about 8:00a.m., class started @ 9:30a.m. so we went to Starbucks and got breakfast. We didn't get out of class till about 6:00p.m. We didn't get to see Jen Matz like we planned. We ended up with reservations @ the company dorm but we nixed it and paid out of pocket for a room @ the Sleep Inn. Much more comfortable. Waited for the hotel shuttle. So much nicer @ the Sleep Inn. We had dinner @ Tavern where we pretty much drank our depression away with $2 mexican beers and $3 margaritas. Food was great. Had some $2 tacos, habanero wings (so good), tater tots with cheese. $25 each for good food. It was awesome plus I was with these 2 brats, that made it more fun. We were done by 9:30pm and at the hotel by 9:45pm. I read a little bit and fell asleep for about 4 hours. I was up by 3:30a.m. and couldn't sleep anymore. Showered and got ready, had breakfast. We had to be @ the airport by 7:00a.m. for class to start. Now, we are here, waiting to leave. I can't believe that we have to wait this long but I'm not surprise. I won't have to do this again till next year and I will do it on the computer. Starting work tomorrow @ 9:00a.m. till 4:30pm. It's going to be my first day @ the station. All I pray for is that I don't fall apart in front of my co-workers and passengers. GOD please help me tomorrow!

Fall Apart.

It's 5:56am. I've been up now for about an hour. I got up to use the bathroom and couldn't sleep anymore. Aaron was right, the 5mg ambien works fast and wears off so much quicker. My coffee is hot but not as creamy as I thought, my dad must have gone to to the donut shop, pink box, 12 donuts.....duh.

Today is the eve of my return to work. Maybe my mind woke up subconcsiously thinking I needed to be there now, I don't know. I'm here writing about it. It's 6:00am one more hour before the Today Show.

It was a busy weekend for me. Going to Santa Barbara with Amy, coupon cutting @ Gramps with Aaron, pampered chef party @ Arlene's. When I got home from Arlene's, Aaron is in the room with all of the coupons sorting them out, paperclipping them together in categories. We have a lot of coupons, so many that we even got Ryan an envelope full to mail to him. Can't pass up using coupons specially when you can save so much money.

No matter how busy our weekend can be, my life, my mind always reverts back to Ethan. On my right is a picture frame of him. He changed my life. He saved my life. I miss him. He would have come home this month. I wouldn't be going back to work till November. I would have been up a whole lot earlier with him. I would have stayed awake just watching him sleep. I've seen the way my life has been these past few months as if you were watching a show on Lifetime or as if you were looking through a window. I would have preferred to have shared every moment of my life with Ethan. Counting it in my head, he would have been 3 months old now. I keep wondering, when does it start to get easier? When is it ok not to cry anymore? Do you ever stop missing him so much? Is it ever ok not to miss him? I've noticed that's it's easier to talk about Ethan with people I'm familiar with. Right now, @ this very moment, all I really want to do is survive my first day of work. I really don't want to fall apart anywhere, I want my mind to be distracted with work. I know being back the kids will talk to me about all the stuff that is going on with work, Rachael and I will have are neverending conversations about food and where to eat. I want to miss Ethan without crying. Is that ever possible?

As I go on with my early day with coffee and donut in hand, I hope I don't fall apart anywhere. I may go and visit him today and bring flowers. Ethan has a vase there. I am still so upset over that missing flower pot. I need to get over that.

An afternoon with Amy

It's been a while now, Amy and I haven't had our girls day off until yesterday. We took a drive to Santa Barbara hoping that the bookstore @ UCSB would open and we wanted to see what kind of stationery they carried from Vera Bradley. We found the school, bookstore but it was closed. Maybe they will be open next weekend getting ready for school to start.

We spent the day driving and talking about what we want to do in the next few months and we know that we want to travel. We stopped @ Pick up Stix! in Goleta and had lunch. It was really good. We had a couple of combo dishes, some cream cheese wontons, I had soup and edamame. We continued on to La Cumbre Plaza to the luggage shop so that we can both stare at all the Vera Bradley products they had. I have plans on buy luggage soon. I have to save up first. Stopped at Starbucks 2x. I have gift cards that I got from my birthday party. We headed to Paseo Nuevo Plaza to see the movie Post Grad. It's a funny movie. We walked around the Plaza, stopped @ Barnes & Nobles, found a few items to purchase and we kept walking around. We headed for the car now because the plaza was closing. We were more thirsty than hungry so we stopped @ Starbucks the second time to get a caramel apple cider. Headed back to the freeway and on our way home.

We had a good time. It was fun and the best part, it was just us. We are going to pampered chef party today @ Arlene's house @ 3pm. That ought to be lots of fun.

What a disappointing year....... ;(

It started with the death of John Travolta's son, Jett Travolta. An unexpected death that left his family, friends and fans of his parents so devasted. It then followed by several famous people like Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Walter Cronkite, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Ted Kennedy etc. On a personal side, I lost my son Ethan Charles, one of my best girlfriends Mary Jane, Jenny's dad, Arlene's dad. It seems like this year was the year that a lot of our loved ones were taken. You haven't recovered from one death and another one follows. God works in mysterious way, we don't know why it happens but it does. Death always leaves a question in peoples minds, why? Eventually, we all will die. The older you get, it's more expected. Ethan's life was barely starting and it ended so quickly. Mary Jane was at her prime, active church goer, finishing her masters. No matter how fast or slow death has come to some people, no matter whether you expected it or not, it still hurts so much.

When Michael Jackson died, I focused so much on what was going on, I even watched most of the news shows that showed the latest and the greatest in the news. My therapist said that I was keeping my mind busy so that I wouldn't think about what happened to me. She was right. For almost 2 weeks, my life revolved around Michael Jackson. I was really sad because we lost a great entertainer. Growing up, I listened to Michael's music along with his brothers. I was a big fan. Other opinions don't matter to me because I liked him. Unfortunately, Michael had too many enablers that gave him what he wanted and at the end, he succumbed to death. When everything was over, the 3 hour long memorial service, the Larry King interviews, there really wasn't much to dwell on and now I focused back on my son Ethan.

Ethan didn't ask to be born but he was, and he was the greatest joy of my life. I believe that he was happy to be here even for a short time. He was happy to have us as his parents as we were as happy to have him as our son. I still remember the looks that he would give me when we would see him in the hospital. His eyes would get so big when he saw his mommy and daddy and it was the best thing ever. Like he was saying, you're here to see me again. I love seeing you all the time. It broke my heart every time I left him. My heart is still broken. I don't know when I'll get it back. There is so much more to overcome. I take it one day at a time. That's all I can really do. On Tuesday, September 1, will be my first day back to work. I will be getting on a plane to Phoenix overnight to attend training. I'm hoping to be busy, I'm hoping to to focus on work and training. I don't want to be sad at work, I don't want to have to think about my sadness when I'm at work. I want to keep my sadness private if I could. I'm a lot more comfortable being vulnerable in front of people that know what has happened, people that were there from the beginning to end. Some who allow me to just cry when I need to cry. That's all I need. I have my moments and they can happened at any time, when I say that I'm having a moment, that's it.

To all those who have lost loved ones this year, time heals all wounds. Allow yourself to grieve and cry, allow yourself to be happy or sad. Allow yourself to laugh and smile. We are mourning the loss of the people that we love. We aren't the ones who died although we feel that a part of us has died with them. I would have breathed my life into Ethan if it meant that it would bring him back but our little boy was tired of fighting, Aaron and I knew that he also suffered some pain and we couldn't stand to know that he was in pain so as parents you make that really tough decision and Ethan made that decision too that he was done fighting, that he wanted to rest. We couldn't turn our back on something that he wanted. Ethan Charles Gerber was a feisty fighter just like his mommy. He's my son.

Entitled to have some fun.......

Women are entitled to their girls night out. After you marry someone, you become a we, but when you go to use the toilet alone, it's just you unless you take him with you too. I'm grateful for my alone time with my girlfriends. It's time to be able to unwind, talk about things that could be bothering you. I'm glad that Aaron allows me to have my girl time. He gets his alone time being on the computer or watching TV. We have our time together. That's great too. There is so much of together time you can have. Going grocery shopping, Target, doing laundry, making dinner sometimes. After all that, you need a little space, even when you are home.

Besides all that, I had a great time. I really missed April being there. And La too. The food was amazing. I got my usual Pork Carnitas Sopes. It's really good. It's a big dish. I ordered green beans with pancetta and garlic roasted potatoes with a nice aioli sauce. It was great. We brought bottles of wine and Renee was so nice to not charge us a corkage fee. Rachael brought a red wine, Corissa brought me a bottle of Stella Rosa and Sangria. They were so good. There was so much bread, thank God it helped with alcohol absorption and the bread kept coming. Renee brought dessert for us. I ordered the Chocolate Mousse Cake but I also got a small birthday creme blrule. They sang happy birthday, it was great and I felt a little sad missing Ethan and MaryJane. MaryJane would have love this party. I almost cried when there were singing. i was really miss Ethan. He would have been here with us and I wouldn't have had a birthday dinner. All my time would have been all about him.

I'm grateful for a lot of things but most of all is that God has continued to give me life. Without my life, I wouldn't be here, enjoying my 40th birthday. Brenda, Jenny and Christy got me a $40 gift card from Wal-Mart. Corrisa and Gloria gave me gift certificates to Company's Coming. Malia gave me a Starbucks card for $15. My dad and brother gave me money. MIL gave me a $25 regal movie gift card. Amy hasn't gotten anything but I think it's a surprise. Aaron, gave me Ethan and that's a gift all by it's self. I can't ask for anything more but gift cards are great. Specially in the this economy. That's great. I'm so blessed.

Going about my day

I got up a little late, fixed myself some breakfast. Typical eggs, linguica and rice, plus my meds....(elaine would be happy to know that) As I'm trying to get breakfast done so I can occupy my time with other things, my mind starts wandering to my reality and my moment
s. The reality that I shouldn't really be fixing myself something to eat because I should have a child I should be taking care of. Instead of getting ready for a dentist appointment, I should be checking to see if I need things from the store for Ethan. I know that he is not here anymore. That is reality to me, Ethan Charles Gerber, my one and only son is not here for me to take care of him. He is now in God's hands. I can't help but think that way.

Despite the abundant blessing of family and friends that surround me constantly, despite all the smiles and the jokes that can be said, my life is empty without my son. I look at Aaron asleep in bed and my mind wanders to another picture that Ethan would be in bed with us. Instead we have Ethan's pillow dog name Dugg in bed with us because we don't have Ethan to take care of. I feel like my life has been a little more calmer than normal. Some spending habits have changed a little bit. As I got out of the shower, I was thinking to myself, what if I forgot this first birthday. Would I forget, Patrick's birthday is on the same day. I miss my son. I miss the way he would look at me when he saw me, the way I would change his diaper, the way he smelled when his nurse or I can clean him up. I miss the fact that I can't hold him anymore. Now my mind returns to breakfast and I shut my eyes and I say a prayer. "God, bless this good I'm about to partake, may it nourish my body and mind. Lord, always remind me that you have Ethan in your care so I'm not so worried where he could be. I'm missing my son so much please tell him that his mommy misses him. Remind me that my son is with you. The best place he can be, where he is not suffering anymore. I look @ my 40th birthday, how the planning is coming together and my friends are going to be there. A lot of the things that I do with my life is for my son. He would have loved going to comic-con. He would have summer vacation with the kids. He would have upstaged me. He would have been getting all the attention. I wouldn't have mind. My son is the reason why I got to the age of 40. He safed my life. Not a whole lot of you know but Ethan Charles Gerber saved his mommys life. I couldn't be more grateful.

Conversation between friends.

I'm so glad that you are my friend. When does the hurting stop? When is it ok not to hurt anymore? How do you go through life knowing that there is a part of you missing? How long did it take you to let Gabriel go? When do you know it's ok to be happy again? So many questions. When is it ok to stop crying? I cry more at night specially around the time that Ethan passed. It comes and goes.

Marci

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

June 13 at 1:11am

Ill be honest with you from one mom to another. The pain will ease but it will never stop. From now on, there's always this lil piece of your heart missing and no matter what you do or what someone says, it will never be the same. It will be 3 years in November and still today I can recall what we went through that night we had to make our decisions. To the day we went home, I asked Ronnie if we made the right choice, to let him go and not do any kind of surgery to save him and we know deep down that was the right choice. If we let them operate, our son's will suffer more not just at that moment, but in the long run.
Cry, laugh, go to the beach and scream your lungs out!! Get mad if you have to! But no matter what, dont blame yourself or aaron. We have no control of the choices we were given. The only thing that we kept in our mind was that GOD needed more Angels and he only takes the best, that's why he took our Son!
Also, talking to Pastor Keyes was a big help! Talk out your feelings, your hurt, your anger, your fear, it will help and ease some of the pain. At least you had 10+ days with him, memories you will cherish in your lifetime! We had an hour with Gabe before he took his last breath. He couldnt even open his eyes. But to this day, I can still remember every details. Give your self time, cry until you have no more tears, be there for each other. It can be a couple weeks, months before you feel somewhat normal, you will feel the ease in your heart, but only when you are ready. Talk to Ethan, he will listen and it will also help you. Every time we go to the cemetery to visit him we talk to him, update whats happening, his sisters knows thats baby brother there.
I hope this helps you somewhat. I havent stopped thinking about you or what you are going through. I was numbed for weeks! Im here for you, I wish I was closer, but I am here! Marci, you and Arron will be ok...it will take time and take all the time you need to cope. We love you guys!!

Marci Gerber

June 13 at 1:16am

Can I ask you what happened to Gabe? Jenny didn't really tell me anything about what happened with you.

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

June 13 at 1:33am

I went preterm at 6 months. Well 5 days before 6 moths. I was working the late shifts as usual. My previous pregnancy, I had discharged and my doctor said its normal, so I dint think nothing of it. Well, 2 days later I realized I still kept having them, so i told myself Ill call the next day, Well, I worked till 1230am, Nonnie was only 10 months old at the time. We usually sleep in till the after noon. WEll, my mother inlaw decided to come over with my nephew and ring the door bell. So i got up really fast so Nonnie wouldnt wake up, to late. SO i had her watch the baby and I went to go Pee and noticed there was blood. So, I called my md and said to go to ER right away. When we were on our way, I sneezed and felt like a balloon was about to drop in my pelvic. Later finding out, it was my baby sac. Labor and Delivery was so packed that day, they had me in a hospital bed in the hallway. I kept telling the nurse Im having contractions like feeling and she said I cant be because I was only 6 months. Finally they had me in a room and when she checked you can tell in her face something was wrong. My MD came right away and told us that my baby sac has detached and I had to deliver. Since he was already in my birth canal, they couldnt do a c - section. I gave birth Natural with the help of my MD pulling him out. Before they did that, they asked what we wanted to do, So with no doubt, we said, Save him!! that's when they called the Neocare Specialist. They did an ultra sound and saw that he was fully developed, heart beating, had hair, but his eyes has not opened yet. If we tried to save him and made it, he will be under a lot of surgery, he may be blind, abnormal, etc. So, as much as we wanted to save Gabe, we made the decision to let him go. I gave birth, they did not try to save him, just cleaned him up, wrapped him warm and gave our son to hold until his last breath. All the family members got to see him. My parents were on their way and let me kept him with us until they got there so they got to see him too! My dad said, he actually saved us, because we wouldnt have to see him suffer and see us suffer going through all the surgery and whatever problems that comes in the future. To this day, I still question if we did the right thing and yes, it was! The hardest but it was right for all of us.

Marci Gerber

June 13 at 1:40am

It is the hardest thing parents can do for their children but it's the right one. God knew what he was doing when he created our children for us. He gave us a chance to love and see how much we can love someone so small, so fragile. It's seems like a test of faith you know. We love, we lose, and then we live, through that lost love. You are so right, God only takes the best.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. We are different yet so similar.

Marci Gerber

July 12 at 3:28am

I decided to stop taking my ambien, trying to ween myself off because I don't want to be too comfortable taking it. It's been two nights and I hurt so badly missing my son. Obviously I can't sleep, I cry @ night, the pain is so excruciating, I sneak away to the kitchen to have a smoke. Crying helps and I do cry when there are no more tears and I tire myself out. I started seeing a counselor last week, I figure, if I start work in September or sooner, I need to learn how to deal with this. My mind keeps rewinding back to the time I went to the hospital, like a preview of a movie and the movie just keeps playing in my head. My chest starts to get full and my eyes start to well up. Nights are the worst. I'm afraid I may get too dependant on the ambien that in the future, I won't be able to stop using it. Last thing that I need is to be addicted to sleep aids, I need to learn how to sleep on my own again. How long did it take you before you got your old sleep habits back?

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there. I didn't know what else to do, I needed to talk to someone who understands what I am going through. Goodnight. God Bless.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

July 13 at 1:38am

Hi Marci! I know exactly what you are going through. I play that same scene in my head over and over again, wondering what we could of done differently. My doctor asked me if i wanted to take medication but i didnt want to. I was just emotionally drained and tired, so i slept when i fell asleep. Also, we had Nonnie who was just barely 9 months old.
Once I went to work, it got easier because I was busy and not at home thinking. But at the same time it was hard because I would see pregnant mom's, newborns or someone that just miscarried and it was like reliving it all over again. When I would drive home that would be my moment, my time to grieve, but once at home I had to just keep on going. To this day I can still play the same scene in my head, so I cant tell you that it wont stop.
The one thing that really helped me was talking to Pastor Keyes. Also going to his church in Old Orcutt. We went as a family and we got healed as a family. You will feel the holy spirit come in you and you will cry without even knowing, and after wards you will feel so good and so new. If you would like to speak to him let me know and I will call him for you. You told me that you are talking to a counselor, how is that going?

I also avoided any baby showers, baptisms, anything with baby for a while. Only i knew how much it would hurt and torture me. My best friend and I were only 1 month apart and 2 of my other friends were 2 months ahead of me and all of them had their baby. So even now when I see them and their children, I would think that thats how old our Gabe would of been. We visit him at his gravesite. Did you guys have one for Ethan? Go there and just sit there and talk to him. Ask him to help you. He will listen.

It will get easier, I promise, but you will never forget. You will hurt and cry, but its ok. Time is all different for us. Grieve for Ethan , but also live for yourself and Aaron. One of the books I read at the Christian Book store in SLO, when I wanted to find answers, was that think of your Son and that he is not living in this world of ours. Where there is pollution, hatred, anger, envy, war, etc. Our Son's are at a better place.

I hope this help you some. You are never alone my friend. I am here for you. I think of you daily and read your post on FB. You will be ok, Marci, it does get easier. Let me know if you need anything else, or if you just want to write out all your thoughts, im here for you!
Youre in my prayers and in my thoughts!
love Lyrose ; )

Marci Gerber

July 13 at 2:16am

You have no idea how happy I am that you wrote me back. I figurerd you were busy with work and family. I finally went to sleep about 4am or so and slept till about 10a. I'm not taking that stuff anymore. I'm scared to. I can keep myself busy during the day and tire myself and so that I can get to sleep.

I am having some issues seeing other pregnant women, knowing that some of my friends are pregnant, and my downfall is hearing babies cry. Its great to hear but at the same time so painful. I have 2 pictures of Ethan here in the house. Everything else I have put away. I even gave away my maternity clothes to the teen pregnancy home here in town and donated Ethan's clothes to the NICU in Santa Barbara. When I saw my maternity clothes it made me angry. I didn't want to see them anymore because it was a constant reminder of him. I know that I need to face the people at work I just know that it's going to be hard for me not too cry because I know that when they see you, they feel bad for you.

Until now, I tend to shy away from people that knew I was pregnant but didn't know the situation cause I'm trying to avoid the whole story of telling them about it because it makes them feel bad, they feel bad for asking obviously because they didnt know and then they feel bad for me.

Have you and your husband ever thought of trying again? I get that question a lot. Aaron and I have decided that we would probably adopt when we are ready. My doctor has suggested that because of my age and complications with the pregnancy, it would be a risk, I don't think that I can do that again.

Therapy just started last Thursday, so far, it's going ok. I'm really hoping that it will help.

Thanks again for listening. I appreciate it. BTW, I haven't seen Karen for awhile, the last time I saw her was when Ethan was still alive. I don't know if she knows but if not, it's ok that you tell her.

Goodnight!

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

July 15 at 1:22am

Hi, Marci! We have talked about trying again, but we havent and its going to be 3 years in November. I do want to but at the same time so much is going on. With my mom's fight for cancer and chemo treatments, it will be too hard right now. I wouldnt be able to help her as much if i was pregnant. If we dont get pregnant by the end of the year, then I dont think we will anymore. After 35 is a higher risk. I think adoption is a great thing!! Yes, try to consider, but only when you guys are ready!!
I had text Karen when I found out about Ethan. I just wanted to let her know just in case you go in there and at least she will know and not ask how Ethan is.
I found that a lot of people dont know what to say to us when something like this happen. At first I thought to myself how rude or inconsiderate they are but most of the times they dont know what else to say except sorry. Another thing that helped me was talking it out. Find a friend that will just listen and they dont even have to talk, but even if you just have to talk about Ethan for a minute or have a cry. It really helps!
Hope the counseling helps you! Keep me posted and always here for you!! Take care!

Lyrose

My heart is filled......

My heart is filled and overcomed with so much joy today that so many of my friends and family have remembered my birthday. It does also help that you have Facebook, Myspace or Twitter because it tells everyone when your birthday is. It's great. Birthday wishes from those that you don't ever expect to say Happy Birthday! to you is always a great surprise. I have received so many texts today, thank GOD! for unlimited texting.

I received a wonderful gift from my dearest beautiful friend, Jamie Barker. She gave me a home made card, her pet rock (i feel bad because it was a gift to her) and membership to AAA. Isn't that great! I haven't seen Jamie in weeks, she just got back from vacation. When we do see each other, every second is a precious moment to us. We understand each other, we get it. You know, the look that true friends have when they see each other. Sometimes, words don't even need to be said. That's ok. It means that when you see your dearest and truest friends, your heart speaks to each other.

When I woke up this morning

I was thankful to be 40. Thankful that I am a breathing, living, human being that God has allowed to keep going. Although this day is bittersweet, the day that I keep seeing in my mind is the day I gave birth to my son. I never thought that I would experience a day like that. It's the most blessed and magical experience I can ever felt. A son born to me and Aaron. It took forever but it happened. I think of the what if's all the time. My therapist says that's normal when it comes to trauma like that. I try not to think of the what if's but they creep up and make their way through my head. Ethan would have been born on August 11, 2009. If that was the case, I would probably still be in the hospital or taking care of him here at home. Today on my birthday, as I shed tears of joy to be living the age of 40, I shed tears for my son that could not be here to share this special day with his mommy. My life will continue to go one, loving him each and every second of my day, where ever I could be. God has his reasons, they shouldn't be questioned. My son is an angel among other angels that God has called for a purpose.

My birthday without Ethan.....

It's a constant reminder that I'm turning 40 and at 39, I had a son that won't be here to celebrate a milestone in my life. I ache for him every second of everyday where thinking of him makes it painful to breath. Aaron had stopped by @ the cemetary today to pick up his flower pot and torch light that I had left for him and it was gone. I don't know if it was stolen or thrown away, I can't believe that it's just gone. That's a cruel thing to do. I don't have proof that anyone stole it or thrown it away but according to Aaron, the other children's flowers and toys were still there.

Tomorrow I will spend my day with my family and on the 22nd of August I will host a girls night out with some of my closest girlfriends. I'm really excited about that. It's going to be a lot of fun. Some of my girlfriends have ask me what I want for my birthday. Their attendance is more than enough but they tend to insist what I would want. I tell them gift cards from starbucks, best buy, target, verabradley.com. Gift cards are so much easier to handle. I'm hoping to see all of my girlfriends there. I would really like to avoid the sad conversations and just have a lot of laughter, jokes, fun.

When does the pain of loss stop? Will you ever regain the life you had before or does it completely change after this experience? On June 10, 2009, my husband and I lost our little superhero, our son, Ethan Charles. We are in pain. It hurts so bad. It hurts to breath. There have been days passed that I don't want to leave the house, talk on the phone or get out of bed. We have had friends and family come over and it's been wonderful to see the outpouring of support for this tragic event in our lives but at the same time, when all the friends and family our gone, it hurts all over again.

My mind wonders to the day that Ethan got really sick. He looked right into my eyes as if he was saying, "Mommy, I don't feel so good today." My heart breaks and aches when I think about that particular day. The only best way we knew how to help him was to leave it up to God and let him go. Aaron and I knew that it was the best thing we could have done, the best love that we can ever give our boy.

Ethan was a great communicator. He knew that things inside me weren't working well. According to my OB, due to the heightened blood pressure during the pregnancy, after Ethan was born, my OB had sent my placenta to pathology to have it tested. 1/5 of my placenta had died. That was the main reason why Ethan didn't gain as much weight in the womb. He moved so much, giving me signs that it was time to come out. We were pregnant for 28 weeks and it was time. He wanted out. Aaron was not to happy about it at first but with explanation from the doctors, he understood. We both came to terms with it, accepted that our son was coming early. I was nervous and excited at the same time. When I heard him cry, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. The pain or discomfort didn't matter anymore. My boy was the only one that mattered.

Ethan was a fighter. Even his nurse Debbie said that to me when I was holding Ethan in my arms, she said, "He was such a fighter. He fought until he couldn't anymore." Ethan was our little superhero.