I fell apart @ work for the first time. It was festering inside of me and I broke down today after my flight this morning. It really hasn't been an easy transition although everyone says I look great. Great in the outside maybe but a mess in the inside. I'm grateful that Rachael and Josh were there to be that supportive and let me cry when I needed to. It's just really sad when some people can be so insensitive to how someone elses feelings that they don't know that they are actually hurting someone. How can someone do something for so long and still not know what they are doing?
Today, I really missed Ethan. It was a lingering feeling that wouldn't stop. I couldn't get him out of my mind. The more I thought about him the more I wanted to burst into tears. It didn't help either that we have infants and children traveling but this isn't anyone's fault. This is my deal, these are my feelings. I can't help that some people ask me about him when they don't know. That is totally different and I've expected it to happen. It's only happened twice. It shocks me @ first and it depends on the moment too, I may not answer quickly or I'm comfortable enough to tell someone. It's different when it's deliberate. It's just mean. But like what I said, some are so numb to their own feelings and surroundings that to them, it's ok.
It was the first time in months since I've seen Dr. Cedars, he is part of my OB-GYN team. Such a wonderful gracious man, I couldn't help but say thank you and give him a hug.
I'm not so sure if I'm done crying yet but right now, I'm doing ok. I really don't know when I'm going to be done crying. Likelihood never! I know that life will get easier as time goes by but until then, I'm going to feel the way that I feel. I'm not out for sympathy, understanding and some compassion. That's all.
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