Fall Apart.

It's 5:56am. I've been up now for about an hour. I got up to use the bathroom and couldn't sleep anymore. Aaron was right, the 5mg ambien works fast and wears off so much quicker. My coffee is hot but not as creamy as I thought, my dad must have gone to to the donut shop, pink box, 12 donuts.....duh.

Today is the eve of my return to work. Maybe my mind woke up subconcsiously thinking I needed to be there now, I don't know. I'm here writing about it. It's 6:00am one more hour before the Today Show.

It was a busy weekend for me. Going to Santa Barbara with Amy, coupon cutting @ Gramps with Aaron, pampered chef party @ Arlene's. When I got home from Arlene's, Aaron is in the room with all of the coupons sorting them out, paperclipping them together in categories. We have a lot of coupons, so many that we even got Ryan an envelope full to mail to him. Can't pass up using coupons specially when you can save so much money.

No matter how busy our weekend can be, my life, my mind always reverts back to Ethan. On my right is a picture frame of him. He changed my life. He saved my life. I miss him. He would have come home this month. I wouldn't be going back to work till November. I would have been up a whole lot earlier with him. I would have stayed awake just watching him sleep. I've seen the way my life has been these past few months as if you were watching a show on Lifetime or as if you were looking through a window. I would have preferred to have shared every moment of my life with Ethan. Counting it in my head, he would have been 3 months old now. I keep wondering, when does it start to get easier? When is it ok not to cry anymore? Do you ever stop missing him so much? Is it ever ok not to miss him? I've noticed that's it's easier to talk about Ethan with people I'm familiar with. Right now, @ this very moment, all I really want to do is survive my first day of work. I really don't want to fall apart anywhere, I want my mind to be distracted with work. I know being back the kids will talk to me about all the stuff that is going on with work, Rachael and I will have are neverending conversations about food and where to eat. I want to miss Ethan without crying. Is that ever possible?

As I go on with my early day with coffee and donut in hand, I hope I don't fall apart anywhere. I may go and visit him today and bring flowers. Ethan has a vase there. I am still so upset over that missing flower pot. I need to get over that.

An afternoon with Amy

It's been a while now, Amy and I haven't had our girls day off until yesterday. We took a drive to Santa Barbara hoping that the bookstore @ UCSB would open and we wanted to see what kind of stationery they carried from Vera Bradley. We found the school, bookstore but it was closed. Maybe they will be open next weekend getting ready for school to start.

We spent the day driving and talking about what we want to do in the next few months and we know that we want to travel. We stopped @ Pick up Stix! in Goleta and had lunch. It was really good. We had a couple of combo dishes, some cream cheese wontons, I had soup and edamame. We continued on to La Cumbre Plaza to the luggage shop so that we can both stare at all the Vera Bradley products they had. I have plans on buy luggage soon. I have to save up first. Stopped at Starbucks 2x. I have gift cards that I got from my birthday party. We headed to Paseo Nuevo Plaza to see the movie Post Grad. It's a funny movie. We walked around the Plaza, stopped @ Barnes & Nobles, found a few items to purchase and we kept walking around. We headed for the car now because the plaza was closing. We were more thirsty than hungry so we stopped @ Starbucks the second time to get a caramel apple cider. Headed back to the freeway and on our way home.

We had a good time. It was fun and the best part, it was just us. We are going to pampered chef party today @ Arlene's house @ 3pm. That ought to be lots of fun.

What a disappointing year....... ;(

It started with the death of John Travolta's son, Jett Travolta. An unexpected death that left his family, friends and fans of his parents so devasted. It then followed by several famous people like Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Walter Cronkite, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Ted Kennedy etc. On a personal side, I lost my son Ethan Charles, one of my best girlfriends Mary Jane, Jenny's dad, Arlene's dad. It seems like this year was the year that a lot of our loved ones were taken. You haven't recovered from one death and another one follows. God works in mysterious way, we don't know why it happens but it does. Death always leaves a question in peoples minds, why? Eventually, we all will die. The older you get, it's more expected. Ethan's life was barely starting and it ended so quickly. Mary Jane was at her prime, active church goer, finishing her masters. No matter how fast or slow death has come to some people, no matter whether you expected it or not, it still hurts so much.

When Michael Jackson died, I focused so much on what was going on, I even watched most of the news shows that showed the latest and the greatest in the news. My therapist said that I was keeping my mind busy so that I wouldn't think about what happened to me. She was right. For almost 2 weeks, my life revolved around Michael Jackson. I was really sad because we lost a great entertainer. Growing up, I listened to Michael's music along with his brothers. I was a big fan. Other opinions don't matter to me because I liked him. Unfortunately, Michael had too many enablers that gave him what he wanted and at the end, he succumbed to death. When everything was over, the 3 hour long memorial service, the Larry King interviews, there really wasn't much to dwell on and now I focused back on my son Ethan.

Ethan didn't ask to be born but he was, and he was the greatest joy of my life. I believe that he was happy to be here even for a short time. He was happy to have us as his parents as we were as happy to have him as our son. I still remember the looks that he would give me when we would see him in the hospital. His eyes would get so big when he saw his mommy and daddy and it was the best thing ever. Like he was saying, you're here to see me again. I love seeing you all the time. It broke my heart every time I left him. My heart is still broken. I don't know when I'll get it back. There is so much more to overcome. I take it one day at a time. That's all I can really do. On Tuesday, September 1, will be my first day back to work. I will be getting on a plane to Phoenix overnight to attend training. I'm hoping to be busy, I'm hoping to to focus on work and training. I don't want to be sad at work, I don't want to have to think about my sadness when I'm at work. I want to keep my sadness private if I could. I'm a lot more comfortable being vulnerable in front of people that know what has happened, people that were there from the beginning to end. Some who allow me to just cry when I need to cry. That's all I need. I have my moments and they can happened at any time, when I say that I'm having a moment, that's it.

To all those who have lost loved ones this year, time heals all wounds. Allow yourself to grieve and cry, allow yourself to be happy or sad. Allow yourself to laugh and smile. We are mourning the loss of the people that we love. We aren't the ones who died although we feel that a part of us has died with them. I would have breathed my life into Ethan if it meant that it would bring him back but our little boy was tired of fighting, Aaron and I knew that he also suffered some pain and we couldn't stand to know that he was in pain so as parents you make that really tough decision and Ethan made that decision too that he was done fighting, that he wanted to rest. We couldn't turn our back on something that he wanted. Ethan Charles Gerber was a feisty fighter just like his mommy. He's my son.

Entitled to have some fun.......

Women are entitled to their girls night out. After you marry someone, you become a we, but when you go to use the toilet alone, it's just you unless you take him with you too. I'm grateful for my alone time with my girlfriends. It's time to be able to unwind, talk about things that could be bothering you. I'm glad that Aaron allows me to have my girl time. He gets his alone time being on the computer or watching TV. We have our time together. That's great too. There is so much of together time you can have. Going grocery shopping, Target, doing laundry, making dinner sometimes. After all that, you need a little space, even when you are home.

Besides all that, I had a great time. I really missed April being there. And La too. The food was amazing. I got my usual Pork Carnitas Sopes. It's really good. It's a big dish. I ordered green beans with pancetta and garlic roasted potatoes with a nice aioli sauce. It was great. We brought bottles of wine and Renee was so nice to not charge us a corkage fee. Rachael brought a red wine, Corissa brought me a bottle of Stella Rosa and Sangria. They were so good. There was so much bread, thank God it helped with alcohol absorption and the bread kept coming. Renee brought dessert for us. I ordered the Chocolate Mousse Cake but I also got a small birthday creme blrule. They sang happy birthday, it was great and I felt a little sad missing Ethan and MaryJane. MaryJane would have love this party. I almost cried when there were singing. i was really miss Ethan. He would have been here with us and I wouldn't have had a birthday dinner. All my time would have been all about him.

I'm grateful for a lot of things but most of all is that God has continued to give me life. Without my life, I wouldn't be here, enjoying my 40th birthday. Brenda, Jenny and Christy got me a $40 gift card from Wal-Mart. Corrisa and Gloria gave me gift certificates to Company's Coming. Malia gave me a Starbucks card for $15. My dad and brother gave me money. MIL gave me a $25 regal movie gift card. Amy hasn't gotten anything but I think it's a surprise. Aaron, gave me Ethan and that's a gift all by it's self. I can't ask for anything more but gift cards are great. Specially in the this economy. That's great. I'm so blessed.

Going about my day

I got up a little late, fixed myself some breakfast. Typical eggs, linguica and rice, plus my meds....(elaine would be happy to know that) As I'm trying to get breakfast done so I can occupy my time with other things, my mind starts wandering to my reality and my moment
s. The reality that I shouldn't really be fixing myself something to eat because I should have a child I should be taking care of. Instead of getting ready for a dentist appointment, I should be checking to see if I need things from the store for Ethan. I know that he is not here anymore. That is reality to me, Ethan Charles Gerber, my one and only son is not here for me to take care of him. He is now in God's hands. I can't help but think that way.

Despite the abundant blessing of family and friends that surround me constantly, despite all the smiles and the jokes that can be said, my life is empty without my son. I look at Aaron asleep in bed and my mind wanders to another picture that Ethan would be in bed with us. Instead we have Ethan's pillow dog name Dugg in bed with us because we don't have Ethan to take care of. I feel like my life has been a little more calmer than normal. Some spending habits have changed a little bit. As I got out of the shower, I was thinking to myself, what if I forgot this first birthday. Would I forget, Patrick's birthday is on the same day. I miss my son. I miss the way he would look at me when he saw me, the way I would change his diaper, the way he smelled when his nurse or I can clean him up. I miss the fact that I can't hold him anymore. Now my mind returns to breakfast and I shut my eyes and I say a prayer. "God, bless this good I'm about to partake, may it nourish my body and mind. Lord, always remind me that you have Ethan in your care so I'm not so worried where he could be. I'm missing my son so much please tell him that his mommy misses him. Remind me that my son is with you. The best place he can be, where he is not suffering anymore. I look @ my 40th birthday, how the planning is coming together and my friends are going to be there. A lot of the things that I do with my life is for my son. He would have loved going to comic-con. He would have summer vacation with the kids. He would have upstaged me. He would have been getting all the attention. I wouldn't have mind. My son is the reason why I got to the age of 40. He safed my life. Not a whole lot of you know but Ethan Charles Gerber saved his mommys life. I couldn't be more grateful.

Conversation between friends.

I'm so glad that you are my friend. When does the hurting stop? When is it ok not to hurt anymore? How do you go through life knowing that there is a part of you missing? How long did it take you to let Gabriel go? When do you know it's ok to be happy again? So many questions. When is it ok to stop crying? I cry more at night specially around the time that Ethan passed. It comes and goes.

Marci

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

June 13 at 1:11am

Ill be honest with you from one mom to another. The pain will ease but it will never stop. From now on, there's always this lil piece of your heart missing and no matter what you do or what someone says, it will never be the same. It will be 3 years in November and still today I can recall what we went through that night we had to make our decisions. To the day we went home, I asked Ronnie if we made the right choice, to let him go and not do any kind of surgery to save him and we know deep down that was the right choice. If we let them operate, our son's will suffer more not just at that moment, but in the long run.
Cry, laugh, go to the beach and scream your lungs out!! Get mad if you have to! But no matter what, dont blame yourself or aaron. We have no control of the choices we were given. The only thing that we kept in our mind was that GOD needed more Angels and he only takes the best, that's why he took our Son!
Also, talking to Pastor Keyes was a big help! Talk out your feelings, your hurt, your anger, your fear, it will help and ease some of the pain. At least you had 10+ days with him, memories you will cherish in your lifetime! We had an hour with Gabe before he took his last breath. He couldnt even open his eyes. But to this day, I can still remember every details. Give your self time, cry until you have no more tears, be there for each other. It can be a couple weeks, months before you feel somewhat normal, you will feel the ease in your heart, but only when you are ready. Talk to Ethan, he will listen and it will also help you. Every time we go to the cemetery to visit him we talk to him, update whats happening, his sisters knows thats baby brother there.
I hope this helps you somewhat. I havent stopped thinking about you or what you are going through. I was numbed for weeks! Im here for you, I wish I was closer, but I am here! Marci, you and Arron will be ok...it will take time and take all the time you need to cope. We love you guys!!

Marci Gerber

June 13 at 1:16am

Can I ask you what happened to Gabe? Jenny didn't really tell me anything about what happened with you.

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

June 13 at 1:33am

I went preterm at 6 months. Well 5 days before 6 moths. I was working the late shifts as usual. My previous pregnancy, I had discharged and my doctor said its normal, so I dint think nothing of it. Well, 2 days later I realized I still kept having them, so i told myself Ill call the next day, Well, I worked till 1230am, Nonnie was only 10 months old at the time. We usually sleep in till the after noon. WEll, my mother inlaw decided to come over with my nephew and ring the door bell. So i got up really fast so Nonnie wouldnt wake up, to late. SO i had her watch the baby and I went to go Pee and noticed there was blood. So, I called my md and said to go to ER right away. When we were on our way, I sneezed and felt like a balloon was about to drop in my pelvic. Later finding out, it was my baby sac. Labor and Delivery was so packed that day, they had me in a hospital bed in the hallway. I kept telling the nurse Im having contractions like feeling and she said I cant be because I was only 6 months. Finally they had me in a room and when she checked you can tell in her face something was wrong. My MD came right away and told us that my baby sac has detached and I had to deliver. Since he was already in my birth canal, they couldnt do a c - section. I gave birth Natural with the help of my MD pulling him out. Before they did that, they asked what we wanted to do, So with no doubt, we said, Save him!! that's when they called the Neocare Specialist. They did an ultra sound and saw that he was fully developed, heart beating, had hair, but his eyes has not opened yet. If we tried to save him and made it, he will be under a lot of surgery, he may be blind, abnormal, etc. So, as much as we wanted to save Gabe, we made the decision to let him go. I gave birth, they did not try to save him, just cleaned him up, wrapped him warm and gave our son to hold until his last breath. All the family members got to see him. My parents were on their way and let me kept him with us until they got there so they got to see him too! My dad said, he actually saved us, because we wouldnt have to see him suffer and see us suffer going through all the surgery and whatever problems that comes in the future. To this day, I still question if we did the right thing and yes, it was! The hardest but it was right for all of us.

Marci Gerber

June 13 at 1:40am

It is the hardest thing parents can do for their children but it's the right one. God knew what he was doing when he created our children for us. He gave us a chance to love and see how much we can love someone so small, so fragile. It's seems like a test of faith you know. We love, we lose, and then we live, through that lost love. You are so right, God only takes the best.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. We are different yet so similar.

Marci Gerber

July 12 at 3:28am

I decided to stop taking my ambien, trying to ween myself off because I don't want to be too comfortable taking it. It's been two nights and I hurt so badly missing my son. Obviously I can't sleep, I cry @ night, the pain is so excruciating, I sneak away to the kitchen to have a smoke. Crying helps and I do cry when there are no more tears and I tire myself out. I started seeing a counselor last week, I figure, if I start work in September or sooner, I need to learn how to deal with this. My mind keeps rewinding back to the time I went to the hospital, like a preview of a movie and the movie just keeps playing in my head. My chest starts to get full and my eyes start to well up. Nights are the worst. I'm afraid I may get too dependant on the ambien that in the future, I won't be able to stop using it. Last thing that I need is to be addicted to sleep aids, I need to learn how to sleep on my own again. How long did it take you before you got your old sleep habits back?

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there. I didn't know what else to do, I needed to talk to someone who understands what I am going through. Goodnight. God Bless.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

July 13 at 1:38am

Hi Marci! I know exactly what you are going through. I play that same scene in my head over and over again, wondering what we could of done differently. My doctor asked me if i wanted to take medication but i didnt want to. I was just emotionally drained and tired, so i slept when i fell asleep. Also, we had Nonnie who was just barely 9 months old.
Once I went to work, it got easier because I was busy and not at home thinking. But at the same time it was hard because I would see pregnant mom's, newborns or someone that just miscarried and it was like reliving it all over again. When I would drive home that would be my moment, my time to grieve, but once at home I had to just keep on going. To this day I can still play the same scene in my head, so I cant tell you that it wont stop.
The one thing that really helped me was talking to Pastor Keyes. Also going to his church in Old Orcutt. We went as a family and we got healed as a family. You will feel the holy spirit come in you and you will cry without even knowing, and after wards you will feel so good and so new. If you would like to speak to him let me know and I will call him for you. You told me that you are talking to a counselor, how is that going?

I also avoided any baby showers, baptisms, anything with baby for a while. Only i knew how much it would hurt and torture me. My best friend and I were only 1 month apart and 2 of my other friends were 2 months ahead of me and all of them had their baby. So even now when I see them and their children, I would think that thats how old our Gabe would of been. We visit him at his gravesite. Did you guys have one for Ethan? Go there and just sit there and talk to him. Ask him to help you. He will listen.

It will get easier, I promise, but you will never forget. You will hurt and cry, but its ok. Time is all different for us. Grieve for Ethan , but also live for yourself and Aaron. One of the books I read at the Christian Book store in SLO, when I wanted to find answers, was that think of your Son and that he is not living in this world of ours. Where there is pollution, hatred, anger, envy, war, etc. Our Son's are at a better place.

I hope this help you some. You are never alone my friend. I am here for you. I think of you daily and read your post on FB. You will be ok, Marci, it does get easier. Let me know if you need anything else, or if you just want to write out all your thoughts, im here for you!
Youre in my prayers and in my thoughts!
love Lyrose ; )

Marci Gerber

July 13 at 2:16am

You have no idea how happy I am that you wrote me back. I figurerd you were busy with work and family. I finally went to sleep about 4am or so and slept till about 10a. I'm not taking that stuff anymore. I'm scared to. I can keep myself busy during the day and tire myself and so that I can get to sleep.

I am having some issues seeing other pregnant women, knowing that some of my friends are pregnant, and my downfall is hearing babies cry. Its great to hear but at the same time so painful. I have 2 pictures of Ethan here in the house. Everything else I have put away. I even gave away my maternity clothes to the teen pregnancy home here in town and donated Ethan's clothes to the NICU in Santa Barbara. When I saw my maternity clothes it made me angry. I didn't want to see them anymore because it was a constant reminder of him. I know that I need to face the people at work I just know that it's going to be hard for me not too cry because I know that when they see you, they feel bad for you.

Until now, I tend to shy away from people that knew I was pregnant but didn't know the situation cause I'm trying to avoid the whole story of telling them about it because it makes them feel bad, they feel bad for asking obviously because they didnt know and then they feel bad for me.

Have you and your husband ever thought of trying again? I get that question a lot. Aaron and I have decided that we would probably adopt when we are ready. My doctor has suggested that because of my age and complications with the pregnancy, it would be a risk, I don't think that I can do that again.

Therapy just started last Thursday, so far, it's going ok. I'm really hoping that it will help.

Thanks again for listening. I appreciate it. BTW, I haven't seen Karen for awhile, the last time I saw her was when Ethan was still alive. I don't know if she knows but if not, it's ok that you tell her.

Goodnight!

Lyrose Tolentino Cabreros

July 15 at 1:22am

Hi, Marci! We have talked about trying again, but we havent and its going to be 3 years in November. I do want to but at the same time so much is going on. With my mom's fight for cancer and chemo treatments, it will be too hard right now. I wouldnt be able to help her as much if i was pregnant. If we dont get pregnant by the end of the year, then I dont think we will anymore. After 35 is a higher risk. I think adoption is a great thing!! Yes, try to consider, but only when you guys are ready!!
I had text Karen when I found out about Ethan. I just wanted to let her know just in case you go in there and at least she will know and not ask how Ethan is.
I found that a lot of people dont know what to say to us when something like this happen. At first I thought to myself how rude or inconsiderate they are but most of the times they dont know what else to say except sorry. Another thing that helped me was talking it out. Find a friend that will just listen and they dont even have to talk, but even if you just have to talk about Ethan for a minute or have a cry. It really helps!
Hope the counseling helps you! Keep me posted and always here for you!! Take care!

Lyrose

My heart is filled......

My heart is filled and overcomed with so much joy today that so many of my friends and family have remembered my birthday. It does also help that you have Facebook, Myspace or Twitter because it tells everyone when your birthday is. It's great. Birthday wishes from those that you don't ever expect to say Happy Birthday! to you is always a great surprise. I have received so many texts today, thank GOD! for unlimited texting.

I received a wonderful gift from my dearest beautiful friend, Jamie Barker. She gave me a home made card, her pet rock (i feel bad because it was a gift to her) and membership to AAA. Isn't that great! I haven't seen Jamie in weeks, she just got back from vacation. When we do see each other, every second is a precious moment to us. We understand each other, we get it. You know, the look that true friends have when they see each other. Sometimes, words don't even need to be said. That's ok. It means that when you see your dearest and truest friends, your heart speaks to each other.

When I woke up this morning

I was thankful to be 40. Thankful that I am a breathing, living, human being that God has allowed to keep going. Although this day is bittersweet, the day that I keep seeing in my mind is the day I gave birth to my son. I never thought that I would experience a day like that. It's the most blessed and magical experience I can ever felt. A son born to me and Aaron. It took forever but it happened. I think of the what if's all the time. My therapist says that's normal when it comes to trauma like that. I try not to think of the what if's but they creep up and make their way through my head. Ethan would have been born on August 11, 2009. If that was the case, I would probably still be in the hospital or taking care of him here at home. Today on my birthday, as I shed tears of joy to be living the age of 40, I shed tears for my son that could not be here to share this special day with his mommy. My life will continue to go one, loving him each and every second of my day, where ever I could be. God has his reasons, they shouldn't be questioned. My son is an angel among other angels that God has called for a purpose.

My birthday without Ethan.....

It's a constant reminder that I'm turning 40 and at 39, I had a son that won't be here to celebrate a milestone in my life. I ache for him every second of everyday where thinking of him makes it painful to breath. Aaron had stopped by @ the cemetary today to pick up his flower pot and torch light that I had left for him and it was gone. I don't know if it was stolen or thrown away, I can't believe that it's just gone. That's a cruel thing to do. I don't have proof that anyone stole it or thrown it away but according to Aaron, the other children's flowers and toys were still there.

Tomorrow I will spend my day with my family and on the 22nd of August I will host a girls night out with some of my closest girlfriends. I'm really excited about that. It's going to be a lot of fun. Some of my girlfriends have ask me what I want for my birthday. Their attendance is more than enough but they tend to insist what I would want. I tell them gift cards from starbucks, best buy, target, verabradley.com. Gift cards are so much easier to handle. I'm hoping to see all of my girlfriends there. I would really like to avoid the sad conversations and just have a lot of laughter, jokes, fun.