Fall Apart.

It's 5:56am. I've been up now for about an hour. I got up to use the bathroom and couldn't sleep anymore. Aaron was right, the 5mg ambien works fast and wears off so much quicker. My coffee is hot but not as creamy as I thought, my dad must have gone to to the donut shop, pink box, 12 donuts.....duh.

Today is the eve of my return to work. Maybe my mind woke up subconcsiously thinking I needed to be there now, I don't know. I'm here writing about it. It's 6:00am one more hour before the Today Show.

It was a busy weekend for me. Going to Santa Barbara with Amy, coupon cutting @ Gramps with Aaron, pampered chef party @ Arlene's. When I got home from Arlene's, Aaron is in the room with all of the coupons sorting them out, paperclipping them together in categories. We have a lot of coupons, so many that we even got Ryan an envelope full to mail to him. Can't pass up using coupons specially when you can save so much money.

No matter how busy our weekend can be, my life, my mind always reverts back to Ethan. On my right is a picture frame of him. He changed my life. He saved my life. I miss him. He would have come home this month. I wouldn't be going back to work till November. I would have been up a whole lot earlier with him. I would have stayed awake just watching him sleep. I've seen the way my life has been these past few months as if you were watching a show on Lifetime or as if you were looking through a window. I would have preferred to have shared every moment of my life with Ethan. Counting it in my head, he would have been 3 months old now. I keep wondering, when does it start to get easier? When is it ok not to cry anymore? Do you ever stop missing him so much? Is it ever ok not to miss him? I've noticed that's it's easier to talk about Ethan with people I'm familiar with. Right now, @ this very moment, all I really want to do is survive my first day of work. I really don't want to fall apart anywhere, I want my mind to be distracted with work. I know being back the kids will talk to me about all the stuff that is going on with work, Rachael and I will have are neverending conversations about food and where to eat. I want to miss Ethan without crying. Is that ever possible?

As I go on with my early day with coffee and donut in hand, I hope I don't fall apart anywhere. I may go and visit him today and bring flowers. Ethan has a vase there. I am still so upset over that missing flower pot. I need to get over that.