Going about my day

I got up a little late, fixed myself some breakfast. Typical eggs, linguica and rice, plus my meds....(elaine would be happy to know that) As I'm trying to get breakfast done so I can occupy my time with other things, my mind starts wandering to my reality and my moment
s. The reality that I shouldn't really be fixing myself something to eat because I should have a child I should be taking care of. Instead of getting ready for a dentist appointment, I should be checking to see if I need things from the store for Ethan. I know that he is not here anymore. That is reality to me, Ethan Charles Gerber, my one and only son is not here for me to take care of him. He is now in God's hands. I can't help but think that way.

Despite the abundant blessing of family and friends that surround me constantly, despite all the smiles and the jokes that can be said, my life is empty without my son. I look at Aaron asleep in bed and my mind wanders to another picture that Ethan would be in bed with us. Instead we have Ethan's pillow dog name Dugg in bed with us because we don't have Ethan to take care of. I feel like my life has been a little more calmer than normal. Some spending habits have changed a little bit. As I got out of the shower, I was thinking to myself, what if I forgot this first birthday. Would I forget, Patrick's birthday is on the same day. I miss my son. I miss the way he would look at me when he saw me, the way I would change his diaper, the way he smelled when his nurse or I can clean him up. I miss the fact that I can't hold him anymore. Now my mind returns to breakfast and I shut my eyes and I say a prayer. "God, bless this good I'm about to partake, may it nourish my body and mind. Lord, always remind me that you have Ethan in your care so I'm not so worried where he could be. I'm missing my son so much please tell him that his mommy misses him. Remind me that my son is with you. The best place he can be, where he is not suffering anymore. I look @ my 40th birthday, how the planning is coming together and my friends are going to be there. A lot of the things that I do with my life is for my son. He would have loved going to comic-con. He would have summer vacation with the kids. He would have upstaged me. He would have been getting all the attention. I wouldn't have mind. My son is the reason why I got to the age of 40. He safed my life. Not a whole lot of you know but Ethan Charles Gerber saved his mommys life. I couldn't be more grateful.