What a disappointing year....... ;(

It started with the death of John Travolta's son, Jett Travolta. An unexpected death that left his family, friends and fans of his parents so devasted. It then followed by several famous people like Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Walter Cronkite, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Ted Kennedy etc. On a personal side, I lost my son Ethan Charles, one of my best girlfriends Mary Jane, Jenny's dad, Arlene's dad. It seems like this year was the year that a lot of our loved ones were taken. You haven't recovered from one death and another one follows. God works in mysterious way, we don't know why it happens but it does. Death always leaves a question in peoples minds, why? Eventually, we all will die. The older you get, it's more expected. Ethan's life was barely starting and it ended so quickly. Mary Jane was at her prime, active church goer, finishing her masters. No matter how fast or slow death has come to some people, no matter whether you expected it or not, it still hurts so much.

When Michael Jackson died, I focused so much on what was going on, I even watched most of the news shows that showed the latest and the greatest in the news. My therapist said that I was keeping my mind busy so that I wouldn't think about what happened to me. She was right. For almost 2 weeks, my life revolved around Michael Jackson. I was really sad because we lost a great entertainer. Growing up, I listened to Michael's music along with his brothers. I was a big fan. Other opinions don't matter to me because I liked him. Unfortunately, Michael had too many enablers that gave him what he wanted and at the end, he succumbed to death. When everything was over, the 3 hour long memorial service, the Larry King interviews, there really wasn't much to dwell on and now I focused back on my son Ethan.

Ethan didn't ask to be born but he was, and he was the greatest joy of my life. I believe that he was happy to be here even for a short time. He was happy to have us as his parents as we were as happy to have him as our son. I still remember the looks that he would give me when we would see him in the hospital. His eyes would get so big when he saw his mommy and daddy and it was the best thing ever. Like he was saying, you're here to see me again. I love seeing you all the time. It broke my heart every time I left him. My heart is still broken. I don't know when I'll get it back. There is so much more to overcome. I take it one day at a time. That's all I can really do. On Tuesday, September 1, will be my first day back to work. I will be getting on a plane to Phoenix overnight to attend training. I'm hoping to be busy, I'm hoping to to focus on work and training. I don't want to be sad at work, I don't want to have to think about my sadness when I'm at work. I want to keep my sadness private if I could. I'm a lot more comfortable being vulnerable in front of people that know what has happened, people that were there from the beginning to end. Some who allow me to just cry when I need to cry. That's all I need. I have my moments and they can happened at any time, when I say that I'm having a moment, that's it.

To all those who have lost loved ones this year, time heals all wounds. Allow yourself to grieve and cry, allow yourself to be happy or sad. Allow yourself to laugh and smile. We are mourning the loss of the people that we love. We aren't the ones who died although we feel that a part of us has died with them. I would have breathed my life into Ethan if it meant that it would bring him back but our little boy was tired of fighting, Aaron and I knew that he also suffered some pain and we couldn't stand to know that he was in pain so as parents you make that really tough decision and Ethan made that decision too that he was done fighting, that he wanted to rest. We couldn't turn our back on something that he wanted. Ethan Charles Gerber was a feisty fighter just like his mommy. He's my son.